The Unspoken Rules of Dating

Dating can be a satisfying and edifying experience, but it can also be a confusing and sometimes frustrating endeavour, especially if you’ve not been down this road before. In this article, we demystify the unspoken rules of dating, to help you achieve success in love.

The rules of dating someone new

So you’re looking for a partner. Maybe you’re returning to the arena after a period away, or are starting out in dating for the very first time. It can feel overwhelming and like you missed some memos along the way; particularly if you don’t have friends going through something similar. But in just a few minutes from now, you’ll be armed with all the tips and info you need to propel yourself into this brave new world.

Let’s dive into the unspoken rules of dating.

Accept that rejection is a part of dating

Know that not every date will lead to a long-term relationship, and that's okay. If you're not interested in pursuing a relationship with someone, let them down gently and don’t feel bad. Likewise, if you're the one being rejected, accept it gracefully and move on with dignity. If you feel awkward about this sort of thing, speed dating is a great way to avoid having to reject someone, or be rejected, directly.

Avoid the ex chat

It might be a necessary part of your story to reference the past. But complaining about your “crazy ex” can serve as a red flag and bringing your former spouse into the conversation at regular intervals may give the impression you’re not over them.

Make an effort

This includes everything from rocking up on time, to choosing attire that’s appropriate and says I’m invested here.

Navigating the complex world of love

Ditch the games…

Playing "hard to get" or intentionally trying to make your date jealous used to be frequently cited as a wooing method. But these are a manipulative form of game playing and usually prove counterproductive. Honesty and authenticity are far more attractive qualities. Acting aloof can lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Instead, be straightforward about your intentions and feelings.

… And your phone

In the digital age, it's easy to get distracted by smartphones and watches. However, when you're on a date, make an effort to be present. Put away your phone and give your date your full attention. This allows you to connect on a deeper level. Similarly, don’t be posting personal details about them on your socials straight after. Find some other content for your stories until they’re in a position to say whether they’re ok being featured or not.

Modern dating rules

No ghosting, zombie-ing, breadcrumbing or benching

If you’ve been out of the dating game a long time, you’ll discover a host of new jargon being bandied around. These modern terms serve as a really useful way to label certain behaviours and identify rules around how you interact with people, whether online or in person. Ghosting (disappearing off the face of the earth after you’ve been speaking to or seeing someone), zombie-ing (ghosting then returning from “the dead”) and breadcrumbing (non-commital, leading behaviour) are common traits in 21st-century dating and while prolific, they’re not ok.

This brings us on to benching. Don’t assume that dating means it’ll just be the two of you. Ethical non-monogamy is growing in popularity all the time, which is great news if you don’t want to be tied to one person. However, be sure to have the conversation as to what you each expect. But the open nature of ethical non-monogamy is different to benching, where you become the person’s backup plan while they check out others to see if they find someone they prefer meantime.

Unwritten rules of online dating

Trust your instincts

The online realm can be fraught with problems, from catfishing to kittenfishing and downright rudeness. Listen to what your gut tells you. And you too should be honest and polite in your interactions. Create a profile that is fully yours. Trying to be someone you're not can lead to a relationship built on falsehoods, which is destined to crumble. Embrace your uniqueness.

Unspoken rules of relationships

Show an interest

This applies from day one right through till death do us part. People who only talk about themselves grow tiresome quickly and all relationships are about give and take. Develop some active listening skills and line up a load of questions or topics to cover, if you’re in the early stages.

Love diversity

It's important to recognise that everyone comes into a relationship with their own set of values, beliefs, and quirks. Embrace the differences between you and your date rather than trying to change them. Healthy relationships thrive on mutual appreciation and acceptance. With this in mind, you shouldn’t fall in love with someone’s potential. If they’re not who you want now, they probably never will be. Yes, some degree of change is possible and even inevitable. But relying on them conforming to your expectations is setting yourself up for disappointment and ultimately failure. Couples can waste a lot of time hoping their other half will transform into the person they imagine.

Unbreakable rules for dating

Get consent

Always seek consent for physical intimacy and respect your date's wishes in this area. This isn’t optional, it’s a legal imperative.

Talk about it

One of the most fundamental unspoken rules of relationships is communication, both online and off. While it may seem obvious, many people still struggle with it. Whether it's expressing your feelings or stating your deal breakers, open and honest communication is vital. Remember that your date cannot read your mind, so be clear about your intentions and desires.

These unspoken rules of dating can provide guidance and clarity, helping you to navigate the world of dating with confidence and increase your chances of finding meaningful and lasting connections.

Related Questions

What is the number 1 rule of dating?
While there isn't a one-size-fits-all "number 1 rule" of dating, one of the most fundamental principles that underpin successful and healthy dating experiences is open, honest, and effective communication. This encompasses things like consent, boundaries, expectations and treating others as you would wish to be treated.

What are the red flags for first dating?
When you're on a first date, it's advisable to pay attention to anything that may indicate potential issues. While it's important not to jump to conclusions too quickly, being aware of these warning signs can help you make informed decisions about continuing the relationship. Here are some red flags to watch for on a first date.