What Are Dating Red Flags?

Are you dating, but can’t shake the feeling that something’s not quite right?

There is a way to determine if you’re at risk of being scammed or getting into an unhealthy relationship. Dating red flags are signposts toward toxic behaviour. Understand them and you’ll avoid wasting time, energy and emotion on people who have a negative impact on you.

Read on to find out how to spot red flags, so you can enjoy your dating journey and find your way to a positive, wholesome partnership.

Relationship red flags

It can be hard to recognise what’s ok and ‘normal’ when you’re dating and chatting with new people. Particularly if you’re newly single, dating can feel daunting. If you’ve heard stories about catfishing, it may make you more nervous. Fortunately, this isn’t an issue with speed dating, where attendees log their personal details and appear in person.

But how can you tell who is trustworthy versus who might turn into a toxic, or even worse, abusive partner over time?

Relationship experts and psychologists have identified a list of traits and behaviours that point toward future trouble so that singles can stay safe and choose well. By noticing and acting on these red flags in the early stages, you can protect yourself and find someone who’s genuine, in the right place to find love and has good intentions.

Red flags before the first date

You can start to get the feel of a person by their messages and phone calls. Here are some of the first things to look out for.

Describing their exes as mad or crazy

Ok, it’s possible their ex was pretty challenging, but if they’re complaining about this right at the start, it’s a slight concern. And if they reference several ‘crazy’ exes, then this could point to them having a default stance of blaming others and refusing to accept any responsibility.

It seems they struggle to maintain any close relationships

Emotionally healthy people will have some close friendships. If all their connections seem very superficial or transient, this may signal trouble.

Not answering your questions/being evasive

It’s easy to miss the odd question or forget to answer in long text-based chats. And you’re well within your rights not to respond to anything you feel is too personal. But they shouldn't avoid telling you about fundamental parts of their life or be downright secretive. If things feel dark or murky, tread very carefully.

Online dating red flags

A refusal to video call or speak on the phone

This applies to anyone you’ve met online. Scammers will flood victims with compliments, sweet nothings and promises of a glowing future together, yet they’ll always have an excuse why they can’t Skype or meet you in person ( this will usually revolve around being far away, or having to maintain stringent security due to a particular job role).

Demanding access to your WhatsApp/email/Skype etc

Perhaps you’ve received a DM out of the blue and, after a few messages back and forth, this complete stranger insists you move the chat to WhatsApp or Google Hangouts. If you don’t feel comfortable, say no. And if they immediately persist, they probably have an ulterior motive.

Going way too fast

Of course, it’s flattering if someone is super keen and if they’re falling for you they might want to move quickly. However, if it feels too fast and friends and family have been commenting on the speed of your bourgeoning relationship, you may want to keep a lookout for any other red flags, especially if they’re making long term plans before your first date.

Unfortunately, scams are prolific in online dating and on social media platforms. Meeting singles face to face at a local speed dating event gives you a much better chance to evaluate them in a safe setting.

Silent red flags in a relationship

Disrespecting your physical boundaries

Don’t let anyone force you into anything you’re not comfortable with. Your body is your own and it’s absolutely not ok for anyone to coerce you into going further than you wish before you’re ready.

Gaslighting

Do you find you’re second-guessing yourself when it comes to your relationship? Gaslighting is a psychological technique that causes the other person to question their own perceptions and sense of reality. It has an undermining and manipulative effect.

Being kept away from friends and family

Once you’ve been dating a while, it’s normal to introduce your boyfriend or girlfriend to the people close to you. If this doesn’t happen or is very limited, you may want to question why.

Dating and red flags: a checklist

There are a few more pointers that will help you to identify whether the person you’re dating is good for you.

Any kind of violence

There’s no excuse for this, ever. So maintain a zero-tolerance policy on violence.

Alcohol and drug abuse

Having a few drinks can be a lot of fun. But if they show a dependency on drugs or alcohol, they’re unlikely to be in the right headspace to settle down.

An inability to say sorry or admit wrongdoing

Compromise and the ability to admit when you’re wrong are important elements of a healthy relationship.

Making you feel stupid or unattractive

Put-downs and criticism can be a form of control. When you find yourself consistently feeling bad or down on yourself after spending time with them, say goodbye. A secure partner knows how to make you feel good and offer genuine compliments.

Some of these red flags - like violence, put-downs and physical pushiness - are more serious than others and should be acted on immediately. Others are signposts to look out for and more likely to be relevant once several become apparent. While you absolutely should be alert to them and listen to your gut, it’s important not to expect the worst. Keep your eyes and ears open, but know that most people are, like you, just looking for love.

Related Questions

Is flirting a red flag?

No, flirting in itself is not, unless it’s accompanied by other red flags, like being physically pushy, or verbally offensive.

How soon is too soon to say I love you?

There’s no rule on this. But love is more than just a word, so if someone says it, but doesn’t behave with love, be cautious and guard your heart.