Dating Mind Games (And How to Avoid Them)

Are you getting mixed signals from, or feeling constantly confused by, the person you’re seeing? Do they seem super into you one minute, then disinterested the next? In this article, we take a look at dating mind games — and how to avoid them.

What are mind games in dating?

Mind games are a way for an individual to gain what they perceive is control over the relationship dynamic, by keeping the other person guessing and on edge. There can be a variety of reasons a person plays dating mind games. The worst-case scenario is that they have a downright sadistic streak, or possess narcissistic or sociopathic qualities. But very many of us play dating mind games to some degree, usually subconsciously. This will often come from a place of insecurity, fear of commitment, or an avoidant or insecure attachment style in relationships. And while it reveals a lack in the maturity stakes, if it’s coming from a non-manipulative place, it can be dealt with.

How can you tell if someone is playing mind games?

Confusion, feeling continually off-kilter and unsure of where you stand are hallmark effects of mind games. You may find you’re second guessing yourself, that you have a gut feeling something isn’t quite right and that the person you’re seeing (or chatting to) is inconsistent. It’s ok for them to be unsure how they feel about you or whether they want to date you and to move slowly. What isn’t ok, is leading you on and acting hot and cold; standing you up; ghosting you; making you do all the work in the relationship; lying/telling half-truths; teasing and denigrating your appearance. These are all signs they’re playing dating mind games.

Dating mind games to look out for

Playing hard to get
This mind game was often dished out as advice in the past. Nowadays we differentiate between taking things steadily/not giving all of yourself too soon and purposely acting aloof to attempt to instigate a chase, which is a dressed-up form of manipulation.

Playing hot and cold
Remember the Katy Perry song about this? Playing hot and cold is like playing hard to get, except they intersperse it with love-bombing, so you get those hits of dopamine and stay hanging on, even when they switch it up.

Making you jealous
A very common approach and not always one with malicious intent, encouraging jealously is designed to provoke a reaction. It can become habitual amongst those who lack a sense of security and need “evidence” that the other person is bothered about them. But it can also used as a tactical way to create a sense of power.

Breadcrumbing
Maybe they seem sort of interested and do just enough to keep you withi arm’s reach. It’s basically leading on, and is similar to “benching”, where you show interest in people as a back-up plan, in case your plan A relationship doesn’t work out (ie. you put them on a bench as per the reserves in a sports match).

Negging
By putting you down, they erode your sense of self-worth, giving them more power and control (and making you believe that no one else will want you). Negging is downright bad news.

Gaslighting
Also a massive red flag, gaslighting is where they have you feeling like you’ve gone a bit crazy; saying they didn’t do things that they did, or vice versa, then claiming you are the one who has it wrong. It’s a way of twisting your perception of reality so you don’t know which way is up, and are on the back foot, with them in control.

Ignoring you
Also known as ghosting (and zombeing when they ghost you, then appear again after a time). Just because they don’t reply instantly doesn’t mean they’re ignoring you though. It’s when it goes on, and then they may reappear as if nothing ever happened, or if the ignoring takes the form of standing you up.

How to avoid mind games in a relationship

Look for someone with a secure attachment style, who communicates clearly and honestly and behaves consistently. Learn to calmly, kindly and directly challenge anything that seems off, so you don’t develop a habit of accepting poor behaviour. And work on valuing yourself, so you’ll be able to swiftly recognise when someone else doesn’t.

Life’s too short to spend it with someone who doesn’t treat you right. And the risk of staying with a person like this, is that you begin to believe it’s all you deserve because that’s what they want you to think (so you lose confidence in yourself and they have the upper hand). So if the dating mind games we’ve listed in this article is ringing a lot of bells for you, it’s time to move on. Because there are plenty more fish in the sea — why not come along to one of our speed dating nights to meet some?

Related Questions

Are mind games a red flag?

Usually, yes. But it does depend on the severity and the intention. We all have weak points and issues to work through and it could be the person is behaving in this way because they’re insecure themselves. If however, you raise their behaviour with them and they don’t change, then it most certainly is a red flag in dating.

How do I get them to stop playing mind games?

Never try to play them at their own game. Instead, speak to them about it, explain how it feels and comes across, and then see how they react. Should this prove ineffective, run for the hills. You can do much better.

Are mind games a form of emotional abuse?

At a mild level and especially when the person is acting on poor dating “advice”, this isn’t emotional abuse, it’s just immature. But where it become more toxic and intentional, it is and someone who thrives on mind games will prove a dangerous mate.