Why You’re Attracted to the Wrong People (and How to Break the Cycle)
Ever found yourself falling for the same type of person, only to end up hurt, frustrated, or disappointed again? Maybe they’re emotionally unavailable, unreliable, or love-bomb you one minute and pull away the next. If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Read on to find out why you’re attracted to the wrong people (and how to break the cycle).
Why do I keep liking the wrong people?
Many of us are drawn to people who aren’t right for us, and it can feel like a painful pattern we don’t know how to escape. But there is a way to break the cycle. It starts with understanding the psychology behind these choices and learning how to make healthier ones going forward.
Recognising the signs you’re attracted to the wrong people
Attraction is powerful. But it’s not always logical. Often, the people we feel most drawn to can be the ones who trigger old wounds, patterns, or unmet needs.
Here are some signs you may be caught in a cycle of dating the wrong type:
You feel intense chemistry quickly, followed by confusion or inconsistency
You’re often left wondering where you stand
You ignore red flags because you feel “hooked”
Your relationships tend to feel unbalanced or emotionally draining
You’re stuck on people who are hot and cold, unavailable, or non-committal
If this sounds like your dating history, it’s a sign to pause—and ask why.
Why do we get attracted to the wrong person
It might sound surprising, but often we’re not randomly attracted to the wrong people—we’re subconsciously drawn to what feels familiar, even if it’s unhealthy.
This is often shaped by early life experiences. If love in childhood was conditional, inconsistent, or filled with anxiety, our adult brains can confuse that emotional intensity with love and connection.
We might:
Chase validation from people who pull away
Mistake anxiety or drama for “passion”
Try to earn love from emotionally unavailable partners
Repeat familiar dynamics in an unconscious attempt to “fix” the past
The good news? Once you bring awareness to this pattern, you can start to change it.
The role of attachment styles in attraction
Attachment theory is a helpful lens for understanding why we’re drawn to certain people. In simple terms, your attachment style is how you relate to others in close relationships, often shaped by early caregiver experiences.
The main types include:
Secure: comfortable with intimacy, trust, and boundaries
Anxious: craves closeness but fears abandonment
Avoidant: values independence, struggles with emotional closeness
Anxious-avoidant (or disorganised): a mix of both, often chaotic
If you have an anxious attachment style, you might be drawn to avoidant partners who trigger your fears but also feel strangely intoxicating. Recognising this dance can help you step out of it and choose differently.
How to stop being attracted to the wrong people
Breaking the cycle doesn’t mean giving up on love. It means learning to trust yourself more, honour your needs, and spot red flags early. Here’s how to begin.
1. Get clear on what “healthy” looks like
Write down the qualities of a truly healthy relationship—not just in theory, but how it should feel. Think: safe, consistent, kind, mutually supportive, emotionally available. If that feels boring or unfamiliar, it’s worth exploring why.
2. Pause before pursuing instant chemistry
Big sparks during the first few dates can be a red flag, not a green light. Instead, give yourself time to observe the person’s actions, values, and consistency before emotionally investing.
3. Notice how they make you feel
Do you feel anxious, unsure, or like you need to “prove” your worth? Or do you feel safe, accepted, and respected? Your body often knows before your mind does. Trust it.
4. Heal the part of you that thinks love must be earned
If you’ve been drawn to people who made you work for love, it may feel odd to be treated well. That doesn’t mean it’s wrong—it means it’s healing. Therapy, journaling, or inner child work can help shift this.
5. Retrain your definition of attraction
Start noticing when you're drawn to healthy traits, like kindness, consistency, and honesty. These qualities might not give you an initial adrenaline rush — but they create long-term safety and connection.
At the root of this cycle is often a deep-seated belief that we don’t deserve more — or that love has to be painful, dramatic, or full of longing. When you start to believe you do deserve safe, steady love, your dating patterns will begin to shift. Self-worth isn’t something you earn through someone else’s approval—it’s something you build by choosing yourself, over and over again. So the next time you feel drawn to someone who leaves you feeling anxious, unsure, or less than, take that as a cue to step away and wait for the kind of love that feels calm, clear, and true.
Related Questions
What causes intense attraction between two people?
Intense attraction often comes from a mix of chemistry, timing, and emotional resonance. It can be triggered by pheromones, eye contact, shared values, or the thrill of the unknown. When someone makes us feel seen, challenges or complements us, and there's physical or emotional chemistry, sparks fly. Sometimes, it’s about timing and mutual availability. Other times, it’s unconscious patterns drawing us in - the neuroscience of love is layered and complex.
Why am I only attracted to toxic people?
You might be drawn to toxic people because of unresolved patterns from your past—like confusing intensity or unpredictability with love. If you're used to walking on eggshells or proving your worth, familiar dynamics can feel strangely comforting, even when they hurt.
How do I stop falling for emotionally unavailable people?
Start by recognising the signs early: mixed signals, lack of follow-through, avoidance of emotional intimacy. Then, practise setting boundaries and stepping away — even if it’s hard. Over time, your nervous system will adjust to seek out calm, not chaos.